I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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