we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
