I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
