still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
