Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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