oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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