omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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