Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
