seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
