i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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