god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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