I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
