there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
