I just pynch a tree in the face
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
