I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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