I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
