just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
