i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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