last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
