so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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