The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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