I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
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You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
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i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
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