i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
