I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
tequila makes me forget i have legs
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
