I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
