giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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