Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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