i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
