Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
