i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
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i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
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Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize