im six kinds of drunk right now
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
We need to feng shui this bitch.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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