then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
