well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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