oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
