Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
