Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You ate ashes out of my bong
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
