You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
