did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
why do cheetos always look like penises
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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