Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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