the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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