you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I feel great
I just peed on a car
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
