Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
