He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
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