omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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