I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Randomize
