am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
