i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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