i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Couch. On fire.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
