My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
