Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
