he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I need to align my fucking chakras
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