i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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