I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
