There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
